“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.”
– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
We're all in this together! With that in mind, it can't be easily stated how important it is to keep a close tab on who you're spending time with or, who's getting access to your feelings. Each moment that we share with friends and loved ones has a profound impact on what our unconscious beliefs and expectations about the world become. In turn, those beliefs and expectations have an discernible impact on how we go about our way in life. We look to the people who are close to us to confirm or deny our ability to try something new. We check in. If we feel that it's safe to branch out, we give it a shot. If we think that we are going to be shot down, we generally won't.
As infants, we look to those responsible for our care to make us feel safe. We were (and still are) incredibly vulnerable and naturally, the role of our caregiver was to soothe the fears that naturally come from being so vulnerable and to teach us how to make what is unsafe, safe for us. It's not just relational, it's physiological! It is during this time that our brains are lierally forming. Neurochemical patterns and important interpersonal and emotion regulation-related structural elements are coming together to form the prototype the that will become our lasting style, our personality.
It is with this in mind that we can imagine how vulnerable to interpersonal bruising we are. Even under the best of circumstances, we are left with tiny little breaches. I think of them as micro-abrasions. So minute you can't feel em but they're there. As a therapist, I hear frequently from competent and accomplished men and women how utterly painful tiny rejections or even cruel insults can be. Confident leaders can br brought to feelings of deeply seated insecurity by a stray glance, a misplaced comment or a brutal chuckle.
We've all been there. We all have our pint-size insecurities. Of course. The people we are close to help us fill in those tiny little gaps. If the message is "it's ok, you're going to be fine", we'll jump off that diving board and into the refreshing pool of novel but exciting sensation! If what we hear is "you'll never make it, it's too far", we won't jump and we'll climb back down the ladder, back where it is safe. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
So, who's getting access to those feelings in your life? Are you surrounding yourself with people who are silently encouraging you to try new things, to deepen your life and to draw closer to your hopes, dreams and desires? Or, have you found yourself living in a world full of fiends who can't support you in your endeavor to live a full, meaningful and integrative life. It may be because they too are afraid of what's around the corner. It may be that they are protecting themselves from the incredible feelings of vulnerability that are often associated with getting close to others. Finally, it may be that they are just have a collection of bad habits related to how they connect to others. It really may not matter. In the end, if you and your loved ones end up reaffirming to one another how scary the world is, it may be time to branch out, for the good of you and those you love.
The interpersonal world is naturally fraught with potential dangers. We may be rejected, we may be bruised or we may get nothing at all. Just black stares. So often, this is what keeps us from growing. Our mothers & fathers did the best they could to show us how to make the world safe but they could not know every time we were afraid and thus could not dry every tear. And so we are left with these unspoken fears that are provoked in relationship with others. So, with this in mind, consider who your friends are. Ask yourself if you have enough people in your life who are teaching you how to feel safe, who are cheering you on to the next level and who, in a million unspoken ways, are helping you heal those tiny micro-abrasions and helping you achieve your best!