A frequent complaint that people bring into the psychotherapy consulting room is the sense that the "others" in their lives are not meeting their needs. It might be the spouse who works late and lacks energy for complex engagement at the end of the long day. It may be that best friend who lives across the country who doesn't respond to a text message as quickly as one would hope. Or it might be that friend who is perpetually making plans and then standing us up. This hurts. It causes us to question the value of our relationships and if the relationship is very important to us, it can cause us to question our very value.
These are real grievances, no doubt. An unreliable friend is indeed in posession of a "foolish heart". Clearly they are unable to see that the these "wrinkles" in a friendship add up and eventually, can wear away at the very fabric of our connections. While it often feels good to blame that late friend, that emotionally unavailable lover or the distant bestie but have you asked yourself if you are asking too much?
Asking too much can be as complex as demanding that someone meet too many of your needs which can be suffocating and dis-empowering for those we love as they struggle to do their best only to find that it is never good enough. In these cases, seeking professional help might be useful to you as you sort through your various un-met psychological needs and attempt to identify ways to meet them within your own self. Another, simple way that we may be asking too much is that we are simply demanding something from someone that they do not have.
As much as we would like to believe that all of our friends have the capacity to display mature and reflective behavior, there is more to the story than just the quality of the person that might be impacting their ability to meet your needs. Is your friend struggling emotionally? That may leave her exhausted an unable to be the sympathetic ear that you need. Is your friend over-extended? If that's the case, try as he might, showing up on time for your coffee date might just be one too many events in his life and because he loves you, your date with him might be the only one he can afford to cut.
The next time you find yourself hurt, disappointed, or angry that someone you love has left your needs unattended, remember the words of John Watson: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." The point here is that by approaching the one you love and your feelings about them with compassion might just open your heart to the possibility that your loved one is trying to be there for you but is simply unable to do so at this moment. Pause, breathe, reflect on your feelings and imagine that to be helpful to that person (and to yourself), you must consider their possible predicament (and yours) with compassion! And don't forget, turnips can't bleed!